Hello Nurse
by Saravaras
Summary: America buys a pregnancy test from the 99 cent store for the lulz, but when it comes back positive, he believes he's pregnant. In a panic, he calls England, who tells him it's not a baby, but cancer, and who better to give him the exam than England himself? But with America's fear of doctors, nurse England may not be the perfect solution. Totally crack, UKUS, and possible smut.


This story is modeled after the style of another author on FFN, and I'd like to dedicate this to them. I'm a big fan of their work, and when this idea came to my head I couldn't help but do my own take on something similar to their style. So this is for Americalovesthecockpit.

Warnings: possible smut in chapter 2, M-preg parody, pure crack, and UKUS.

OoOoOoO

"Alright! Candy day!" I shouted as I walked in the door of the 99 cent store. Candy day is the best day of the week you guys. If you don't do this, you should. Just pick out one day to go to the 99 cent store and get all the candy you can carry. It's all candy under a dollar, how much better can it get! And since I'm so awesomely strong I can carry a bunch.

This time I brought Tony with me because he wanted some candy too. He somehow got his own money so hey, why not. I had 20 dollars in my pocket. We walked in the store like what up I got a big cock. But this wasn't the thrift store, so no popping tags for us :( But shit everything was 99 cents! :D

For those of you boys and girls wondering what I'm talking about, go look up Thrift Shop song on Youtube, it will change your life.

Back to the story. We loaded up on candy and started to head for the door until I accidently stepped on something on the ground. Like wtf who leaves stuff on the ground for people to trip on?

So I looked on the ground to see what I stepped on. Who knew the 99 cent store sold pregnancy test? Like little 99 cent ones. I shit you not, boys and girls, go and see for yourself. I picked it up and laughed so hard, I had tears in my eyes, but not the sad :'( kind, but the I-can't-breathe-what-is-air funny tears. I mean who would buy these things? They'll tell ANYONE they're pregnant! Hell they'd probably even tell a guy they are! How lulzy would that be?

:o

That's my idea face. And I had the best idea ever. Prepare your bodies for this. What if _I_ got the pregnancy test and tried it out for the lulz! It would be so funny! Guys can't get pregnant, and the test wouldn't know the difference between my pee and a girl's, so since it's such a cheap test it would tell even me that I'm pregnant. Plus I've never had sexy times with anyone else besides my right hand, so there was 0 chance I was gonna actually be pregnant. It was the perfect plan!

Anyways, since I crunched up the box with my foot, I went to go find the little section for pregnancy tests. They actually had a few different kinds to pick from, but I just grabbed the first one I saw. They were all 99 cents, not like it was a hard pick; I mean they'd all say the same thing.

I went back to the register and put up my Three Musketeers and Cola and then the pregnancy test on the counter. The lady at the checkout gave me a look like :I when she got to the pregnancy test.

So anyways I got back home and set the bags on the table. Tony took his stuff and sat down in his chair to watch TV. Big Bang Theory was on, man I love that show, it's so funny. I almost went to watch, but I really needed to pee. Last thing I wanted was to watch it and laugh so hard I'd ruin my pants. That would suck.

But my need to pee reminded me about my idea! So I dug around and grabbed the pregnancy test and took off for the bathroom. Whaley was apparently in the bathtub and looked at me like "BYOOO?" because I sort of interrupted his bath time.

"I'm sorry Whaley! I'll only be a second, I promise!" Thankfully he went back to his bath so I dropped my pants and got to work.

"Ah~" That was my happy sigh of sweet relief. It's always fun taking a trip to the oval office (by that I mean the toilet) but this time was special, but I don't think I need to tell you guys why. You're a smart reader, so you know what I was doing.

And so now drum roll please~

I pulled up the stick and looked at it and of course there was a little plus sign on it LOL

XD

That is what my face looked like as soon as I saw it. In case you need me to explain, I TOTALLY JUST TROLLED A PREGNANCY TEST TROLOLOL

I have never laughed as hard as I did over that. How do you not laugh at a pregnancy test telling a guy he's pregnant? I even accidently dropped the stick into the toilet when I bent over to hold my stomach from laughing. So much for taking a picture and posting it to instagram. Someone would probably put some quote like "I wish you were there for me" or "Sorry for the loss" and not realize that a guy was the one who made it say positive.

Whaley looked over at me again with his big ol' whale eyes, but I told him to look away. I still had my pants down; he doesn't need to see that.

I got my pants back up, took out the stick and threw it out, and flushed the toilet. Whaley was happy he got the bathroom back again. I laughed the whole trip back to the living room. I so needed some candy for this hilarious moment!

But as I walked down the hallways, I started to think. Guys can't get pregnant… Can they?

My face went from XD to o-o

I mean it was all for the lulz, right? And everyone knows that guys can't get pregnant. They don't have lady parts for that. But I was kinda flipping out, so I needed to know, and there was only one place to know for sure.

I ran into the living room and got my laptop as fast as I could. Tony was sitting there munching away on some of his Swedish Fish. Those things are weird. They aren't Swedish, or taste like fish. I even asked Sweden if they were made at his place and he just looked at me with these eyes that like cut into my soul before walking off with Finland. Rude.

But that's not the point. I flipped open my laptop, but I must have turned it off just before I left for the store. Now I'd have to wait in agony until it could boot up D: I sat down on one end of the couch and tried to make myself comfortable. I mean I might have another little me inside me! Do you know how scary that is? How do women handle the thought of it?

I anxiously tapped my fingers on the keys before turning to Tony. "H-hey, guys can't get pregnant, can they? I mean I know they can't, psh, who would think that, that's so stupid, but I wanna make sure you know, you know?" Totally smooth.

Tony just looked at me and finished chewing on his non-Swedish fish. "I don't know." Then he just turned back to the TV and ignored me.

Thank you for your great help, Tony. /sarcasm

Then I heard the wonderful sound of my laptop turning on :D I got onto Google chrome (suck it internet explorer) and searched as fast as I could. I typed in 'Can guys get pregnant'.

I about fainted at the first result. Go take a second and Google what I did, boys and girls. You will be enlightened like me. The first result was titled "Can a Man Really Get Pregnant? Sure, But It Might Kill Him"

I shut my laptop as fast as I could and threw it to the other side of the couch and shoved a pillow on top of it. Like Penny in that one episode of Big Bang Theory. You've all seen the gif.

Death? What was I gonna do?! I mean now I apparently have this kid in me and I don't even know how it got there D: I'm still a virgin! I don't wanna be the next Virgin Mary! Let alone die! That's not heroic at all! Heroes never die! Plus dying would suck some major ass. Speaking of ass, how would the thing come out? That would probably how I died! Knowing you, you're probably like 'Oh it comes out the butt' because you like thinking about this shit. But having stuff that isn't crap come out your butt would hurt. Let alone a baby. That would HURT and I don't like pain.

So what was I supposed to do? I jumped up and got my cell phone out. There was only one person to call at a time like this.

"'Ell-"

"ENGLANDYOUNEVERTOLDMEGUYSCAN GETPREGNANT!"

You all know that England's a perv so obviously he'd know all about this kinda stuff, or at least knocking up guys. I repeat, PERV. Actually, he does know a lot about pregnancies and stuff. I know for a while he was a nurse. I found his outfit at his house one time when I went over there. It looked kinda feminine, but I didn't get to look at it long since he came busting in and snagged it from me. I even tried to get him to try it on but he hit me with it and chased me out of the room.

Enough of side story time, back to what you all came here for. I couldn't believe that my entire life he managed to leave out the little detail that apparently guys can get pregnant too. A+ parenting. Now look what's happened.

"W-what?"

"I JUST TOOK A PREGNANCY TEST AND IT CAME BACK POSITIVE AND GOOGLE SAYS GUYS CAN GET PREGNANT WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS?"

Like seriously, how do you leave something like this out? I had to go and find out from the internet, I'm way past that teenage phase. You all know the one where you use Wikipedia to answer all your questions, but that's why it's there. And we all know if it's on the internet, it must be true.

"What are you talking about?" There was a second of silence, but before I could explain, he spoke up. "… You took a pregnancy test?"

"Well… Yeah. But it was for lulz! I thought it would tell anyone they're pregnant, and apparently I am! It's your fault for not telling me guys can get pregnant! But I'm still a virgin!" This was a very serious matter guys, I don't think you realize just how serious. You're probably sitting there laughing at my pain. Sadists. You're just like England :( I might have to get surgery or something! I can't do that! Have you ever been in a doctor's office? Those things are scary as hell dude! There was no way I was gonna go see a doctor! I was having enough trouble telling England all this, telling a doctor would be hell.

England on the other hand was silent for a bit, but I could kinda hear him laughing on the other end like he took the phone away so I wouldn't hear. Rude. People just like being rude to me for some reason. They're just jelly of me, I'm sure.

That's short for jealous for those of you who didn't know.

He cleared his throat and picked up the phone again. "Hm… Well that certainly is odd."

That's it? Dude I'm over here GOING TO BE HAVING A BABY and all I get is 'it's odd'? England you are no help.

"THAT'S NOT THE POINT! I'm pregnant England I shouldn't be pregnant I can't have a baby! OH WOE IS ME WHAT DO I DOOOO!"

"Wait, it came back positive? Are you sure about that?" He was just looking to make sure he had the story straight and tell everyone about my pregnancy. He won't be the dad, that's for sure :l Maybe Japan would want to, but then again he would probably raise it to be perverted like France would. It'd just be weird for Canada to and there's no way in HELL I am going to ask Mexico. He's always hopping my fence and stealing oranges off my trees. Little bitch. I'll just have to be a single mom. Or a MILF.

Back to the story now, I know you're all eager to know what happens.

"Yes I'm sure. I saw the little plus sign. I wouldn't be freaking out if I didn't!" Geez, come on England, keep up. I know people say I can be slow sometimes, but this is sad.

England didn't reply for a long time. "America, this could be serious." YOU DON'T SAY. "Sometimes pregnancy tests can detect testicular cancer."

…

You don't say… Nothing like someone breaking out the C word on you to ruin your day.

There was this super long pause on the phone. I didn't want to speak; I mean getting the C word is like devastating news! Now not only was I pregnant but I has testicular cancer too? Dude this was like the worst day EVAR.

"So… What do I do about it?"

"You'll have to get it examined."

Oh hail nah. Doctors are evil. I don't mean like switch the signs on the bathroom stalls evil, but like one step from being terrorists evil. They're gonna go to the special hell with child molesters and people who talk in the theater. Props to any of you who get that reference. Anyways, back on topic. There's always crying babies in the waiting rooms and then they take your weight (which is just guilt tripping you. Scales are evil too) then rub their latex, feely hands all over your body just to tell you you're sick. Because you so didn't know that when you went in there :l Plus they give you nasty ass medicine for the longest time possible. It's nasty guys, and you know I'm right because you've all been to a doctor's office before and know what I'm talking about. I guess my situation was different though because this was cancer, so it was either face my fear or lose my testicles. This was probably one of the hardest decisions of my life, boys and girls, but it would be really awkward explaining why I didn't have balls to someone. Plus imagine all the jokes! I'm America, I've got the biggest balls of any country! I ain't gonna lose that!

"So do I go to the baby doctor or the man doctor first?"

England gave a really irritated sigh. "You aren't pregnant, git, stop saying that. Males can't get pregnant. You are at risk for testicular cancer though, and you'll need to see a doctor for it." Thanks, I so needed to be reminded of my soon to be hell.

"But they'll be all feely! Doctors always have latex, squeaky, cold hands! I don't want some random doctor feelin' up my man bits!"

England went silent again, but this time he wasn't laughing.

"I'll be there in a few hours." LOL WHAT DID HE JUST- "I've got to pack my things and get the equipment I'll need to give you your exam."

Let me explain to you all the emotions I felt in about 2 seconds that came out as a verbal keyboard smash. I never thought those could actually come out of your mouth until that came from England's.

At first I couldn't fully get what he was talking about. Like for some reason it was just a bunch of words. Then when it hit me, my mind was like not just no, but HELL NO. This was England! I mean yeah, he's a doctor and all and probably sees this kinda thing all the time (perv) but these were **my** man parts! Do you know how awkward that would be?

"NO WAY! That's really weird dude!"

"Well you could accept my help or you could sit there procrastinating seeing your doctor due to your phobia and let it spread to the rest of your body until it does kill you."

"I don't procrastinate!" England was really being mean to me. I'm not that lazy! And this was a serious thing!

But then again, it's the doctor's office. I already told you guys about it.

"Stop your whining already. I'll be there soon to give you your examination."

"But- …England?" There wasn't any answer. The meanie hung up on me :I

This was just not a good day for me. All I wanted was candy day! Is sitting around, watching Big Bang Theory and munching on sugary snacks too much to ask for?

To answer that question, apparently so, because I'm now stuck with testicular cancer. Now all I could really do was sit around and wait for England to show since apparently I didn't get a choice about my own bodily exam. I went to go get my candy and maybe relax for a bit before my testies were violated, and saw Tony getting into my bags and stealing my candy.

This whole day just sucked balls.


End file.
